One-on-ones as a leadership discipline: from status updates to development dialogues

For a long time, I believed I was doing one-on-ones well. They were frequent. Structured. Efficient. We covered progress, issues, next steps. People left with clarity on what needed to be done. From an operational perspective, it worked. Yet, looking back, something essential was missing.

The real conversations rarely happened during those meetings. They surfaced later, in corridor talks, after incidents, or sometimes not at all. Only over time did I realize that my one-on-ones were optimized for control and output, not for thinking, learning, or growth. I was present as a manager, but not always as a leader.

What changed my perspective was not a new agenda template, but a shift in how I understood leadership itself: performance does not suffer when you invest in people, it improves. And one-on-ones are one of the few recurring moments where leaders can make that investment deliberately.

The right mindset: one-on-ones are not about you

Effective one-on-ones start with mindset, not mechanics. Leaders often approach these meetings as a way to stay informed, reduce risk, or ensure alignment. While those outcomes matter, research and experience show that one-on-ones create real value only when leaders accept a more fundamental premise: the meeting exists primarily for the employee.

Stewart Friedman’s Total Leadership work demonstrates that leadership is not a zero-sum trade-off between performance and well-being. When leaders integrate work, personal energy, relationships, and meaning, both satisfaction and results increase. This mindset translates into three core beliefs:

• Supporting growth strengthens performance rather than diluting it.
• Listening is an active leadership responsibility.
• Clarity and care are not opposites.

Without this mental shift, one-on-ones inevitably drift toward task control and short-term efficiency.

Leadership behavior: how you show up shapes the conversation

Mindset becomes visible through behavior. In many organizations, one-on-ones are dominated by the leader’s agenda: updates, deadlines, escalation points. Research published by Harvard Business Review shows that when this happens consistently, employees feel micromanaged rather than supported, even when intentions are good. High-quality one-on-ones are characterized by different leadership behaviors:

• Curiosity over judgment >> asking before advising.
• Presence over speed >>creating mental space rather than rushing to closure.
• Consistency over intensity >> steady cadence builds trust.
• Balance over bias >> addressing work, development, and the person behind the role.

These behaviors signal psychological safety. And psychological safety is what enables early problem-solving, honest feedback, and employee ownership, all precursors to sustainable performance.

Core skills: structuring conversations that matter

Even with the right mindset and behavior, leaders need conversational skill. One-on-ones benefit from a light, intentional structure, revisited over time rather than forced into every meeting. HBR research on one-on-ones identifies seven recurring needs that employees bring to these conversations  :

1. Guidance and practical support
2. Clarity on priorities and expectations
3. Strategic context and organizational alignment
4. Growth and career development
5. Ongoing performance feedback
6. Relationship building
7. Mutual support between leader and employee

Effective leaders rotate these themes consciously. They also master the skill of asking questions that expand thinking rather than close it. Often, a simple follow-up like “What would help you most right now?”, creates more impact than a well-intended solution.

Execution over time: small experiments, real impact

Great one-on-ones are not perfected in a single redesign.

They evolve through small, deliberate experiments — a principle central to Total Leadership  . Examples include:

• Letting the employee set the agenda periodically.
• Shifting from reporting to reflection in the opening minutes.
• Ending each meeting with one shared commitment.
• Asking explicitly what would make these conversations more valuable.

These adjustments seem minor, but their cumulative effect is profound. Over time, one-on-ones move from being meetings people attend to conversations they rely on.

In Closing

One-on-ones expose a leader’s true leadership philosophy. They reveal whether people are seen as resources to manage or partners to develop.

When leaders approach one-on-ones with the right mindset, demonstrate supportive behavior, and apply disciplined conversational skills, these meetings become one of the strongest levers for both human growth and business results.

Not more meetings.
Not louder leadership.
Better conversations, by design.

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