Finding the coaching in criticism: turning feedback into a growth advantage

Feedback. The word alone can make even seasoned executives flinch.

As a manager and executive I have experienced this several times and every time it took time and effort to realize the learning.

As a coach and facilitator, I’ve seen it happen in the boardroom and in logistics and factory offices alike, that tense pause, the breath held back, the internal “here we go again.” And yet, after decades in leadership and coaching, I’ve learned that our ability to receive feedback well, is often a stronger predictor of growth and success than our ability to give it.

Many organizations spend time teaching leaders how to deliver feedback effectively — how to structure the message, choose the right tone, and soften the blow. I used to facilitate these trainings as well, but have learned some very valuable lessons since.

The real magic happens when we shift focus from the giver to the receiver. Because in the end, the receiver decides what to let in, what to learn from, and what to do next.

So lets shift towards receiving feedback first, which in turn will allow for a reflection on how we can improve the way we provide feedback. Because we better understand the receiving end and to make sure the effects of our feedback intentions can be received in the best way possible.

Why feedback feels so hard

Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone from Harvard Law School describe this beautifully in their classic Harvard Business Review article “Find the Coaching in Criticism.”

They explain that receiving feedback triggers a deep inner conflict between two fundamental human needs:

the need to learn and grow, and
the need to be accepted just as we are.

Over the years, I’ve recognized the three common “feedback triggers” that are presented in the article and that appear in both leaders and teams I coach — and that I’ve felt myself more than once. That’s why even a well-intended comment can sting. It challenges not only what we do, but often who we believe we are.

Truth Triggers – The content feels unfair, untrue, or simply wrong.
Relationship Triggers – The person delivering it evokes resistance: “Who are you to say this?”
Identity Triggers – The feedback shakes our self-image or confidence.

When these triggers activate, we stop listening. We defend, justify, or retreat. And at that moment, the opportunity to learn slips away.

Shifting from defensiveness to discovery

Here’s the paradox: the moments that make us most uncomfortable often contain the richest insights. But only if we’re willing to stay curious long enough to uncover them.

In my coaching work with executives and teams, I help people build this “feedback muscle.” It’s not about pretending criticism doesn’t hurt. It’s about learning to work with that discomfort — to pause, breathe, and ask:

“What might be true here? What could I learn, even if I don’t agree with everything?”

Feedback becomes powerful when we stop treating it as a verdict and start treating it as data — information that helps us make better decisions about how we show up and lead.

Six habits that transform how you receive feedback

Based on Heen and Stone’s research and what I’ve seen in practice, here are six steps that help leaders turn feedback into genuine growth fuel:

Know your tendencies.
Notice how you usually react. Do you explain, deflect, or shut down? Awareness is the first step toward choice.
Separate the message from the messenger.
Even difficult or poorly delivered feedback can contain something useful. Don’t reject the message because of the person.
Sort toward coaching, not evaluation.
Try hearing feedback as coaching rather than judgment. “What can I improve?” is a better lens than “How did I score?”
Unpack what’s meant.
Ask clarifying questions. “Can you share an example?” or “What would success look like next time?”
Ask for one thing.
Make feedback part of your leadership rhythm. Instead of asking “Do you have feedback for me?” ask “What’s one thing I could do better in our next meeting?” It’s specific, safe, and practical.
Experiment small.
Don’t overhaul your style overnight. Test a small change and see what happens. Feedback isn’t theory — it’s an experiment in real time.

From threat to trust

When leaders model curiosity about feedback, something shifts in the culture. Teams feel safer to speak up, collaboration improves, and learning becomes part of everyday work rather than something that happens once a year during performance reviews.

I’ve seen organizations transform when leaders make this mindset shift. In one case, a senior operations manager started ending her weekly meetings with one question:

“What’s one thing I could do differently that would make your work easier next week?”

At first, her team hesitated. But as they saw her listen — not defend — trust grew. Within a few months, not only had the team’s engagement improved, but their problem-solving capacity expanded. The manager had stopped seeing feedback as threat and started seeing it as coaching in disguise.

Coaching reflection

If you’re reading this as a leader, ask yourself:

Which type of trigger affects me most — truth, relationship, or identity?
What feedback have I ignored because I didn’t like the way it was delivered?
How could I invite one small piece of honest feedback this week?

Remember: feedback isn’t about judgment. It’s about learning. And when we learn to find the coaching in criticism, we not only grow as leaders — we help everyone around us grow too.

Want to explore how to build a feedback-ready culture in your team or organization?

Let’s talk about how coaching and leadership development can help your leaders turn feedback into an advantage — for themselves and for their teams.

👉 Contact me to start the conversation.

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