Feedback. The word alone can make even seasoned executives flinch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a manager and executive I have experienced this several times and every time it took time and effort to realize the learning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a coach and facilitator, I\u2019ve seen it happen in the boardroom and in logistics and factory offices alike, that tense pause, the breath held back, the internal \u201chere we go again.\u201d And yet, after decades in leadership and coaching, I\u2019ve learned that our ability to receive feedback well, is often a stronger predictor of growth and success than our ability to give it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many organizations spend time teaching leaders how to deliver feedback effectively \u2014 how to structure the message, choose the right tone, and soften the blow. I used to facilitate these trainings as well, but have learned some very valuable lessons since.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nThe real magic happens when we shift focus from the giver to the receiver<\/strong>. Because in the end, the receiver decides what to let in, what to learn from, and what to do next.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
So lets shift towards receiving feedback first, which in turn will allow for a reflection on how we can improve the way we provide feedback. Because we better understand the receiving end and to make sure the effects of our feedback intentions can be received in the best way possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why feedback feels so hard<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone from Harvard Law School describe this beautifully in their classic Harvard Business Review article \u201cFind the Coaching in Criticism.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They explain that receiving feedback triggers a deep inner conflict between two fundamental human needs:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- the need to learn and grow, and<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- the need to be accepted just as we are.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Over the years, I\u2019ve recognized the three common \u201cfeedback triggers\u201d that are presented in the article and that appear in both leaders and teams I coach \u2014 and that I\u2019ve felt myself more than once. That\u2019s why even a well-intended comment can sting. It challenges not only what we do, but often who we believe we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Truth Triggers \u2013 The content feels unfair, untrue, or simply wrong.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Relationship Triggers \u2013 The person delivering it evokes resistance: \u201cWho are you to say this?\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Identity Triggers \u2013 The feedback shakes our self-image or confidence.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
When these triggers activate, we stop listening. We defend, justify, or retreat. And at that moment, the opportunity to learn slips away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shifting from defensiveness to discovery<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s the paradox: the moments that make us most uncomfortable often contain the richest insights. But only if we\u2019re willing to stay curious long enough to uncover them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my coaching work with executives and teams, I help people build this \u201cfeedback muscle.\u201d It\u2019s not about pretending criticism doesn\u2019t hurt. It\u2019s about learning to work with that discomfort \u2014 to pause, breathe, and ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat might be true here? What could I learn, even if I don\u2019t agree with everything?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Feedback becomes powerful when we stop treating it as a verdict and start treating it as data \u2014 information that helps us make better decisions about how we show up and lead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Six habits that transform how you receive feedback<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Based on Heen and Stone\u2019s research and what I\u2019ve seen in practice, here are six steps that help leaders turn feedback into genuine growth fuel:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Know your tendencies.<\/strong>
Notice how you usually react. Do you explain, deflect, or shut down? Awareness is the first step toward choice.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Separate the message from the messenger.<\/strong>
Even difficult or poorly delivered feedback can contain something useful. Don\u2019t reject the message because of the person.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Sort toward coaching, not evaluation.<\/strong>
Try hearing feedback as coaching rather than judgment. \u201cWhat can I improve?\u201d is a better lens than \u201cHow did I score?\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Unpack what\u2019s meant.<\/strong>
Ask clarifying questions. \u201cCan you share an example?\u201d or \u201cWhat would success look like next time?\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Ask for one thing.<\/strong>
Make feedback part of your leadership rhythm. Instead of asking \u201cDo you have feedback for me?\u201d ask \u201cWhat\u2019s one thing I could do better in our next meeting?\u201d It\u2019s specific, safe, and practical.<\/li>\n\n\n\n- Experiment small.<\/strong>
Don\u2019t overhaul your style overnight. Test a small change and see what happens. Feedback isn\u2019t theory \u2014 it\u2019s an experiment in real time.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\nFrom threat to trust<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
When leaders model curiosity about feedback, something shifts in the culture. Teams feel safer to speak up, collaboration improves, and learning becomes part of everyday work rather than something that happens once a year during performance reviews.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve seen organizations transform when leaders make this mindset shift. In one case, a senior operations manager started ending her weekly meetings with one question:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s one thing I could do differently that would make your work easier next week?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
At first, her team hesitated. But as they saw her listen \u2014 not defend \u2014 trust grew. Within a few months, not only had the team\u2019s engagement improved, but their problem-solving capacity expanded. The manager had stopped seeing feedback as threat and started seeing it as coaching in disguise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Coaching reflection<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re reading this as a leader, ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
- Which type of trigger affects me most \u2014 truth, relationship, or identity?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- What feedback have I ignored because I didn\u2019t like the way it was delivered?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- How could I invite one small piece of honest feedback this week?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Remember: feedback isn\u2019t about judgment. It\u2019s about learning. And when we learn to find the coaching in criticism, we not only grow as leaders \u2014 we help everyone around us grow too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWant to explore how to build a feedback-ready culture in your team or organization?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s talk about how coaching and leadership development can help your leaders turn feedback into an advantage \u2014 for themselves and for their teams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n